This past year has been a though one. Last year this time, I thought I was pregnant. I was so excited I was planning on how I could tell my DH that we are pregnant. I was planning on telling him in the am on Fathers Day and then tell our dads in the evening. Boy was I up for a surprise, I had no idea about PCOS or that a year later not only that we wouldn't have a child, but I'm still not pregnant.
I can go through and list all of the different thoughts and feelings that I have had for each cycle. I get my hopes up and then they come tumbling down like a child's building blocks. I thought I might tell DH that we were pg for our Anniversary, Thanksgivings, Christmas, Valentines Day and then finally his birthday. All of these times I should have had a period or a positive pregnancy test. Lucky me, I didn't get either and I had to take drugs to make me have a period.
My birthday is only 3 days away, I don't have money right now to even buy some new vitamins that may help with PCOS. I'm planning on spending any birthday money on buying them as one last chance/hope to get pregnant.
I know that God is standing right beside me on this journey. I know that he hasn't left my side, but sometimes that doesn't even provide the comfort. I know that I should find all of my comfort in Him, but it isn't always easy.
Sometimes I get stuck in the "why me" pitty party, and then I kick myself in the butt. I know that I shouldn't fell sorry for myself. Daily I'm reminded of all of the children that are brought into this world without someone that loves them and wants them. There are so many parents out there rasing children that they didn't even want. Here I am, and all I want is children and I can't have them.
It has been over a year since we first started trying and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I have gone through three cycles of Clomid and I can't even get my body to ovulate. I don't even know if my tubes are blocked, if I have problems with my cm, or if I would even get a baby to implant. Then the other side of things. I don't even know about DH's sperm. We could have a large list of problems. I only know of one and can't even get that fixed.
~Frustrated
1 comment:
I went through the same thing! thought I was pg the first time trying (Almost two years ago) bc I was 2 1/2 weeks late, but those stinken tests wouldn't say positive! We couldn't wait to tell everyone. Then found it was the stress of DH's mother dying that made me irregular for the first time in my life. It was so painful. Like a m/c
Here we are 2 years later and I can't believe how far God has brought me. I didn't know how strong I was until He showed me! I can't wait for a baby, but in the meantime I'm learning so much.
Keep believing! And check out your insurance cuz this IF stuff is expensive!
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